We All Have Hormones Right?

I’m going out on a limb when I say that the only part of pregnancy that a woman and her partner both can’t stand is the hormones. Otherwise, pregnancy is a mystical dream right? 

I had the hormones raging inside me very early. It was my first and very early indication that I might be pregnant. Suddenly my kids got on my nerves not matter what they did (sorry children, mommy loves you). I had to take deep breaths and hold my tongue a lot because I knew I was being irrational. My poor husband got a lesson in crazy from me too. I blew up about things that are so silly. One such case, he didn’t notice what pajama bottoms I was wearing to bed. I went cuckoo for cocoa puffs when he made a comment about it the next morning. I was angry and hurt that he didn’t notice the night before. Oh goodness me! 

Well that was the “old” me. Hormone raging wife and mother is in the past. I only raged like that for a few weeks in the first trimester. The problem is that my husband doesn’t know for sure if that's true. He has been scarred by my wrath. I see his face change in wonder if I get upset or mad. Internally he’s wondering how off the handle his wife is going to go this time. He is anticipating a hormone induced craze that will take over my mind and my words.

The problem that remains is how I know I feel inside. I will repeat that I hate the hormonal part of pregnancy. It has me wondering if anything I think or feel is valid. My credibility is compromised. My husband is finally starting to settle into a comfort zone, trusting that I won’t lose it at a moment’s notice. So why do I still care so much? I find myself asking friends and co-workers if I’m being unreasonable because I’m pregnant, or if my perceptions are valid. It’s hard to know for sure right now. I think I'm wise and ever knowing but maybe not.

I hate you hormones but I’m glad to have you. You’re some strange unappreciated piece of baking a healthy baby in my oven.

Wild and Crazy Dreams

If you’ve been pregnant, or know someone who has been pregnant than you know that one of the common “symptoms” is crazy dreams. I know it doesn’t sound legit but it’s very much true. I had wild dreams with my first pregnancy and this time is no different. I had fun logging some of them to share on my blog after I officially announced I was pregnant. Lately the dreams aren’t as crazy or occurring as often. Here are some of the odd, wild, and funny ones I’ve had in my first trimester.

3/17/12 – My husband’s ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend were hanging out in my bedroom at my parent’s house. It looked like my bedroom from high school but it wasn’t exactly the same. I remember being embarrassed that my room wasn’t clean. They were hanging out on my twin bed, laying on their stomachs and chatting with me. Her son, (my step-son) was there too. They had come to pick him up and decided to just linger in my bedroom.

3/19/12 – I was at a random parking garage in search of gold. I ran into an old friend Owen Frasier who agreed to help me. We lifted the lid from the sewer and within reach were blocks of gold. They were clear with a gold tint but we knew them in the dream as blocks of gold. They were light and fit in the palm of our hands. We pocketed them and then left when a man began to chase us. I woke before anything else happened.

3/20/12 – My friend Adrean was renting an apartment in downtown for only a month before she moved away to Arizona. It was in a building that my friend Brittany used to live in, but this apartment looked nothing like the real apartments in that building. It was large and modern with beautiful cabinets and countertops in the kitchen. I remember that there was a big space where the stove was missing. Adrean told me that that was how she got such a deal on this amazing apartment. She had said “who cares” because she doesn’t need a stove. The plan was that when she moved our friend Brittany would move into the apartment.

That same night after waking and going back to sleep I dreamt that I was in a trailer at a trailer park. I don’t remember anything else about this dream except that I think we were trying to sell it?

04/07/12 – I dreamt that it was the day of my best friend’s wedding. I am her matron of honor so I should have been up to date on details. In the dream I was very misinformed. I didn’t know that she changed her theme until the day of the ceremony and I was panicking. I had a champagne dress while all of the other girls were wearing a light blue dress. Our friend Rachelle was still pregnant in her dress however I would have sworn that her son was supposed to be at the wedding. (In real life he was born in February.) Someone told me that none of the groom’s family from his dad’s side was going to attend because the ceremony was at his mother’s house. Because her father-in-law wasn’t attending he also wouldn’t be there to perform the ceremony as planned. We never resolved who would marry them. He also built their wedding arch which wouldn’t be there either so instead they improvised with an old dresser with some flowers on it. I realized I didn’t have shoes on my feet but the bride said that it was okay. They laid sand in the aisle so my bare feet went with a beach theme. I had to change into my dress outside with people around so I slid it on under my sweatshirt. My husband stood right in front of me to keep people from seeing my body. Aleigha fully dressed in her gown and hair done was zipping my dress behind me. Sandwiched between them I am freaking out at what the day had turned into while the bride didn’t seem to care at all. Then suddenly my husband is love struck and begins to make out with me passionately while Aleigha is still zipping my dress. It abruptly ends there.

4/14/12 – I was visiting a very large mansion in my dream for a reason I do not know. There were about 50 or so high school kids. I knew them, but I didn’t know them well. I just knew of them. With a teenage attitude they were working hard to decorate this mansion for Christmas. The thing that was odd is that they took all of their hard work down at the end of the day. I asked someone why and they told me that “he has us do this every day”. I discover that “he” is Kelsey Grammar, also known as Frasier Crane from TV. So the next day, same thing; everyone is working to fill his need for a daily Christmas. For whatever reason I have the balls to stand up to him and tell him we are done with this. We won’t decorate his mansion for Christmas every day. I and the rest of the group of kids walk out into the sunlight leaving him hanging a wreath at the top of the stairs in his mansion.

4/17/12 – The night of my one year wedding anniversary
I dreamt that I was on some kind of space ship thing like star wars or star trek (I’ve never seen either one though). The leader (who was seriously worshipped) was some blonde broad named Barbie. Apparently the purpose of this ship is to design new Barbie’s. I have some seriously genius ideas about new designs but I hate being on this ship and I am openly hostile to Barbie. She is my enemy but at this point in the dream I’m not sure why yet. I am forced to go to Barbie and give her my ideas for her to steal when I see my husband poke his head around the corner. He then walks in and I realize why I hate Barbie, she stole my man! Garrick is infatuated with her and he’s her “play-thing”. Needless to say I am furious. I don’t go after her but rather manage to wrap my hands around his throat and pin him to the wall. Some odd security type people remove me and I get locked up. It’s in this stage that I plan a take-over. I lead about 100 people to take over the ship. I woke up for work in the middle of the chaos.

When I woke up I kissed my husband and told him I had a bad dream. He asked what happened and I told him that he left me for a blonde broad. He replied, “nooo, never”. (Good answer) 

4/23/12 – I had several dreams this night. At one point my friend Haley was driving me, my kids and her daughter somewhere. She ran a blatant red light on a turn to the freeway and we were almost hit by a car. I was terrified. Then as we are driving we pass several police officers who have pulled people over. I see that one guy who is handcuffed gets hit on the head with a bottle of whiskey by the officer. I call the police station to report it and they tell me to come down to make a statement. The woman who helps me is the red headed director from older episodes of NCIS. She held my hand and calmed me down.

At another point of slumber my doctor told me something may be wrong with my baby. She said I could risk it if I wanted to, but I could also replace it. I spent time debating if I wanted to remove the baby and insert a replace baby that is healthy in my stomach. I was very torn about it. I never decided.

Better Late Than Never

Thirteen months later, I am finally putting together a wedding album. Trust me when I say that I am not lazy. ;)  I have large and small photos hanging through the house from our wedding day. I also have a photo book that I made on Snapfish that chronicles the whole day in photos. Despite all of that, I’ve wanted an album that would hold every single moment of the day we united as a family.

Every time I went to Target, Ross, TJ Maxx, and the like I’d look at the albums. The wedding albums are always silver and cheesy. Love quotes and a slot on the top for a photo. If this is you style then that’s great for you, however I’m simpler than that. So last month when I found a solid black album at Target I was ecstatic. Even better was that the pages inside are those single sticky sheet like albums from back in the day. They’re not as popular anymore.

Here is a picture of what I mean:

I get to arrange my photos however I like to. I also get to add the best wishes cards from the wedding in there. No this is not scrapbooking. I tried that years ago and realized it’s not for me. It’s too time consuming and I just don’t care for frilly stuff around my photos. Again, I like clean and simple.

On Pinterest I saw someone who used mod podge to put their wedding certificate on their initial. So that was my next step.

Lastly I applied the A to our album. Clean simple, and very much my style. Plus I was excited to have something to do with the marriage certificate. It’s a photocopy of the “pretty” certificate. The one you are given as a memento.

This sits in my living room and I’m quite pleased with it’s results. 

Hello Sweet Gummy Bear

Gummy Bear at 9 Weeks 3 Days | Due Nov. 25th

I don’t like gummy bears. I don’t like any candy that is gummy. I’ve always been weird about textures and gummies is one of those that make me gag. So when I’m lying down having my fourth ultra sound and my doctor says “there’s your gummy bear” you’d think I’d be repulsed. Well of course it’s the most precious sight in my world because it’s my growing baby which until that moment I’d called baby, baby A, or Gradynn (a combination of my pre-picked boy and girl names). Now I can’t help but call him/her gummy bear. I think it’s cute, not common, and by far appropriate because I don’t eat gummy bears yet there is one residing in my tummy.

At the aforementioned appointment, a passing nurse asked if this was our first. It’s a common question asked, especially to a young couple who doesn’t have other kids with them at the doctor. This question is one that I have been working on deciding how best to answer. How do you explain it so quickly? They just want a yes or no answer but instead I struggle to say in shorthand that the baby isn’t our first together because we’ve miscarried, and that we both have one other child from prior relationships. I found myself saying “It’s our first together, but we have two children at home”. That sounds reasonable and of course the nurse said congratulations with a smile. The problem is only with me. Inside I feel a ping of guilt because I left out the fact that we’ve conceived a child before this one that was due last March. It may sound like nothing to feel bad about, but you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve been through it.

Having miss-carried a baby has definitely made this pregnancy more challenging for me to handle. Every pain of stretching rings a mental alarm. I internally remind myself “no that’s not what it feels like”. Each day that I wake up still pregnant, I feel tremendous relief because we are one step closer to the “safe-zone”. Fortunately for me, the doctors have done several ultrasounds starting at 6 weeks. We’ve both been cleared with good health. Seeing gummy bear, hearing the heartbeat, watching the heartbeat, and seeing him/her move has done my nerves plenty of good. The excess concern of what’s going on inside my stomach doesn’t go away, but I finally believe that this is going to be a success. I loved our first baby VERY much even though we didn’t meet. However I’ve come to terms that my body knew that it wasn’t meant to be. 

Yesterday, on Mother’s Day I was officially 12 weeks pregnant with our gummy bear. The last 10 weeks that I’ve known and kept this (mostly) a secret have been filled with many emotions but above them all is joy. My husband and I love each other’s children so much. I can’t explain what it feels like to know that we’ve created a person that will belong to each of us. No “his mom”, no “her dad”, “his sibling”, “her sibling”, this is OUR baby. He/She is anxiously awaited by all of us. Of course our daughter wants a sister, our son wants a brother, I think dad wants a boy too, Grandma Christy wants a girl… what do I want? I used to want a boy so much. I just had to have a little guy. Now, all I can care about is that Gummy Bear is healthy. I have one of each so I’m not missing out in either outcome. I’m so relieved that he/she is growing and kicking around that he/she can be whatever it is meant to be.

I love you sweet gummy bear. We can’t wait to meet you.

Dear Momma...

I have plenty of sappy things that I want to say about my mother and what she means to me. The woman truly was born to be a mother first, and everything else second. 

From my earliest of memories, I always remember my mother being there. We were fortunate to have her as a stay-at-home mom. All my cuts and bruises were tended to right away. I was hugged and kissed probably more often than the average kid. I even got love pats on my tushy a lot. There was always enough love to go around. You didn’t have to ask my mom what was the most important thing in her life, it was obviously her kids. Even as a young child I instinctively knew that she would always help us and NEVER hurt us.

Growing up my mom really got on my nerves. :)
I felt like I knew everything and she was just being nosy; always wanting to be involved in my business. This was challenging because I didn’t like people to know when something was wrong and I kept my problems a secret from her. What did she know about it anyway? Probably everything since she was once a young girl herself. But hey, hind sight is 20/20. This isn’t to say that I didn’t appreciate her. As I aged and matured I realized how silly I was to try keeping her out. Through all of that, I never disrespected her. Over the years when I saw friends or relatives get attitude or mouthy with their mother’s it always baffled me for two reasons: 1. I would never have the nerve to disrespect her so terribly and 2. There is no way I would have gotten away with it.

I really tested my mother’s strength in July 2005. Up to that point the worst thing I had done was forgotten to call her when I wasn’t coming home on time, and drank some alcohol like most teens these days. (I’d like to point out that I didn’t get wasted and never got in trouble with the law. Hope that counts for something.) I was 19 and had been out of high school for two years. My high school boyfriend and I were going our separate ways and I had just moved back home with my parents. Sitting on the couch watching TV with her, I told her I was pregnant. I apologized and told her that I didn’t plan this. I probably apologized a few times. I distinctly remember that I wasn’t afraid of her and I knew she would support me through all of the process; I was upset because I didn’t want to disappoint her. I was mostly concerned with her being let down. Her opinion matters so much to me. She cried a little bit, and then hugged me. She called my dad who was working in another city at the time. Within the hour we were at the dog park with the dogs and discussing the plans of how to make this work. March 2^nd, 2006 her first grandbaby was born. I wanted my mom with me the whole time, even more than I wanted the dad near me that day, however only one person can be in the room during a c-section.

I didn’t read any books about parenting. Not a single one. I read the books about pregnancy but ignored the ones about what to expect in the first year. I had my mom with me in this after all. Plus I had been around so many cousins and second cousins over the years that I had handled plenty of babies. I decided that what worked for my mom would work for me. So I trusted her and my instincts to raise my daughter. Over the last six years I have raised her on the values and principles that my mom used and I’d like to think that like any good parent, I’m doing it a little better. I hope that Halle will do it a little better than me when that time comes. 

We are by no means perfect, but if there’s one thing above all others that my family knows, it’s that we love each other with every fiber of our being and nothing is more important than each other.

Thank you mom for all that you have done for me as a child and as an adult. You are a true example that a good mother’s job doesn’t end the day your child turns eighteen. You still have my back and I’ll always have yours too.

It amuses me to say this, but I’d like to quote a famous rapper in his song to his mother,
“There's no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand. You are appreciated.”

Toilet Paper Rolls Re-Used

I really... really... don't enjoy cleaning my house. Who enjoys it anyway? We have around 970 SF and I can't keep up with it all the time. What will I do when we move to a bigger house one day. EEK!

I told myself I'd fold towels, put laundry away, wash laundry, and put the kids laundry away, all after I got off work. This is on top of cooking dinner and cleaning up the mess I left in the kitchen this morning. Wishful thinking.

Instead I decided to do something fun with my daughter today. There will always be a new mess to clean, but I don't always get to sit outside and do something fun with the kids. I'm trying to build good memories for them. So, about an hour before I got off work I decided to hit up the craft store for some supplies. I set up a table outside in the shade and we made pictures. She was a little surprised to see we were using toilet paper rolls. She asked why but I couldn't explain that I saw it on Pinterest. She doesn't understand Pinterest yet. Maybe next year.

Here is the start of our adventure.

You can see my long canvas on the table. I painted it black before Halle got home from her grandma's house. Her smaller white canvas is ready. I folded the toilet paper rolls in half and then cut them in half inch strips. I pre-painted them for her and I so that she wouldn't be too impatient waiting for them.

She was very surprised to see a craft set in front of our house. She was pleased.

She's painting the sky on her canvas. Then she adds grass with green. At this point I have glued her pink toilet paper roll pieces together. I couldn't snap all of the steps because paint and glue don't mix with a digital camera. I can just imagine what my husband would say to me if I broke it, "See this is why we don't have nice things". LOL

I used crazy glue to make sure it would stay for the long haul. It wasn't easy to do with the pipe cleaner. It kept sticking to my fingers. (I found plastic gloves in the garage when I was cleaning our mess)




We started to lose sunlight and of course my girl wasn't going to be patient forever, so I didn't get far on my own project. I will have to finish it when she isn't home.

Halle's art turned out GREAT and it is now hanging in her room. I look forward to keeping it for years. Every time we see it, we'll remember the day we had fun doing something new instead of going inside and cleaning the house.