Ash Princess by Laura Sebastian

The cover of Ash Princess by Laura Sebastian is stunning. My 12-year-old has recently become a bookworm so we took a trip to Powell's City of Books. The book store occupies a full city-block and offers more books than you can imagine. Ash Princess has the type of cover art that stands out on a jam packed shelf of books. I grabbed it for her, but I was not prepared for how much I would love the book myself.

Magic, Politics, Love, Friendships, Betrayals...

The life of Theodosia is full of tragedy from the very first page. Following the murder of her mother, she is renamed Thora. She is forced to deny her true identity and live among the people who conquered her home and stole her queendom, the Kalovaxians. Her existence as a pretend Kalovaxian is truly despicable and it leaves the reader questioning how this story could possibly end well for Thora and her enslaved people.

Thora's life among the Kalovaxians is a miserable shadow of existence. She is physically punished everytime there is any resistance or rebellion from the enslaved Astreans. The Kaiser forces her to wear dresses that display her scars for all to see. She is allowed to interact with others, as she is supposed to be a docile Kalovaxian citizen but, they are always watching her. She is never truly alone.

The ashes, they all fall down.

Cresentia is Thora's only friend; however, throughout their interactions it's clear the friendship is both a blessing and a curse. Cresentia was kind to Thora from the first time she was forced to wear a crown made of ashes. At all social functions, Thora is made to wear a crown of ash so that it flakes and falls with her movements. Covering her in ash and mocking her former station as a princess of Astrea.

The Kaiser thinks to break her, and unintentionally sparks the rebellion inside of her.

Thora's identity was always a show. She reminded herself how Thora is expected to act, what she would say, how she should feel. The moment she decides to fight for her county she shifts mentally to Theodosia. Years of abuse keep her insecure and questioning all of her plans. Her fight to redeem herself as Queen Theodosia is made more authentic this way. Readers might prefer her to be a tough and defiant woman instantly, but the truth is that she was tortured from her childhood. Fighting back against any abuser, and in this case a whole country, is not done easily.

Ash Princess provides plenty of surprises to keep the pages turning. Her best friend is an enemy to her country. If she overthrew the Kalovaxians, how could she spare her friend? Theodosia wants to hurt the man who killed her mother; however, he's Cresentia's father. Can she kill the father of her only friend? Throughout Ash Princess, taking back Astrea seems an impossible feat. A vast majority of the Astreans were murdered while the rest are enslaved in the mines. From embers and ashes, Theodosia will rise against them.

My Journey with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

I knew something was wrong because I couldn’t stand my own kids. The sound of “mom” made me want to crawl out of my skin. The slightest problem from them or between them would send me into a rage and I would scream at them from the top of my lungs. It was horrible. I’m ashamed that it took me so long to notice it happened in a monthly pattern.

This meme is perfect. I’m currently in one of my low depressed moods and of course went to the internet memes to feel better. I’m medicated now which has been a blessing for my function and behavior. Most women can better predict their PMDD onset because of how it is attached to their menstrual cycle. For me, without a regular cycle I sometimes don’t realize what’s wrong with my brain is PMDD because I don’t always get periods (sincere thanks to Mirena).

Some of it can be minor but very annoying. My brain goes out. Much like pregnancy brain, my mind just doesn’t completely function. It’s like a small piece of the train tracks is missing and the train somehow leaves the rails but then hops back on. How did that happen? I don’t know. What did I miss? I don’t know.

I don’t rage at my kids anymore. I’m much mellower in my phases now. I might just let them eat whatever they want, wander to their rooms with iPads, and then participate in mediocre interaction that passes for mothering. Am I proud? Of course not. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I protect them with my last breath? Absolutely. The mind can just be a dark place which we cannot rationalize. You can’t just decide to be happy. You can’t choose to not be depressed. It doesn’t work that way. I know that I legitimately should be happy at all times, I have a great life. I am happy. I just also deal with bouts of depression.

Of course there is a whole boat load of guilt. Guilt and remorse. I’m sorry daughter. You deserve better. Luckily your brother is too young to notice anything amiss.

One of the hardest parts about any form of depression (in my opinion) is not knowing if you can trust yourself. Is how I feel about myself legitimate feelings, or am I in a dark mood right now? Am I imaging problems that aren’t really there because of my muddled PMDD brain, or do I have problems that need to be addressed? I’ve taken to just sitting things out. Holding back thoughts and conversations. If it lasts over a week then I can share it with someone. I hate to make an issue to just find out two days later my brain overreacted.

I don’t have an eye opening, positive conclusion. I felt compelled to put this all out there in a tiny corner of the internet in case someone else stumbles across it and finds some sort of comfort. I always climb out of my dark hole, only to slowly slide back in, remember I’ll be ok, and climb back out. It’s a cycle that I continue to learn from.