I Will Remember You

The sadness and anger that I feel today is only a small shadow compared to the feelings of my aunt on this day. I see pictures today of my Uncle George and cry at the unfairness of it all. No one should leave their life in pain. We all deserve to age and die peacefully in our sleep. As I wipe my tears today I remind myself to be grateful for the good in my life and do all in my power to keep me and my loved ones healthy.

Where's the Sunshine and Roses?

The NW hasn’t been blessed with good summer weather as of yet. It’s amazing how much the weather can affect the flow of my day. But hey, I don’t live in Miami so I know not to count on sunshine out here. But it’s JUNE!

We are 300 days away from our wedding. Go ahead and use the math skills to find out what day I become a wife (April 17th, 2011). I think about the wedding all the time, often in my dreams too. I’m most anxious for the days beyond our wedding. The everyday life of our family is where the bliss is.
 Just last week Garrick finished his Associates Degree at Clark College. I hope to accomplish the same one day. It’s difficult trying to work, finish a degree so I’ll never be under qualified for a job, and yet still have time for our kids. I’m learning to be patient in life. I’ve got the time to make the right moves. I know that no one is guaranteed tomorrow, but life is also not a race. I’m very fortunate to be where I am, and have such loving supportive family members. I couldn’t ask for more. Well maybe a winning lottery ticket but then I couldn’t ask for more.

Soon to be Mrs. Ashenfelter!

May 7^th 2010, Garrick and I were celebrating our one year anniversary (for the third time). We had a beautiful hotel room at The Vintage in Portland and a delicious dinner at The Macaroni Grill. (I love Italian food!) After our dinner the sun was almost completely down and we decided to go for a walk down the waterfront. He told me he wanted to see the boats go by.  I was oblivious to how nervous he was that whole walk after our dinner. He kept looking at the benches trying to find the perfect spot to sit or stand. To me I assumed he just wanted a romantic setting for our night. Well after we settled at a bench he began telling me about how wonderful I am which still wasn’t a clue to a proposal for me. He’s told me things like that many times. He makes it a point to remind me of how much he loves me so it just seemed appropriate on our anniversary. We cuddled and exchanged our sappy emotions of how wonderfully happy we are with each other and with our kids. Eventually Garrick got very cold which I now sum up to his nerves. He wanted to say something but couldn’t get it out and with his chills it seemed appropriate to walk back.


On our walk to our room I had a suspicion that maybe he wanted to propose but then I pushed the idea away. I was afraid of getting my hopes up for it and I didn’t want to ruin whatever it was that he did have planned. I sat at the foot of the bed and he sat next to me while I cuddled up to help warm him. Next thing I know he takes a deep breath and slides off the bed onto one knee in front of me. What exactly did I say at that point?

First was “Oh my god” then I looked away crying instantly. I’m not sure why but I had to look away. I think to grasp reality. I look back with blurry eyes and he’s holding a black box with my ring in it. Princess cut diamonds, my favorite! Then I realize I hadn’t said an answer and told him of course yes. I believe several times I repeated that I couldn’t believe this was happening. I babbled a lot out loud in that moment. I thought I knew how I would react and feel in that moment of my life but I realize I had NO idea. It was amazing, it was perfect, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Poison

As much as we try to let go of past mistakes as well as the ones of others, we fail. Those hurtful memories influence the person that we know ourselves to be. It is with that knowledge that we must choose. Will we use it as a crutch to punish all others that cross our paths in the future? Will we allow it to be the poison that in the end destroys us? We should know better. What we should do is accept that what’s done is done and take the risk of hurt once again. No one wants to suffer a pain that they’ve felt before but life is nothing if not a challenge. Each morning that we wake up is a gift. We have another day to impact the world. Yes we can be hurt again and again, but don’t let the unknown be a killing blow. Take a deep breath and accept that we don’t know what the future holds for us. If you find yourself harmed by those you trusted, shake it off and know better than to let them do it again. But don’t punish people for something that they didn’t and may never do to you.

“LOVE – For better or worse I still will choose you first” – Musiq Soulchild

I haven’t fully considered how important love is until now. It’s something that we should be familiar with from an early age. Being loved as a child was just a given and therefore I can’t say I was as appreciative of it as I am now. So many people walk around with hate instead of love in their hearts and it saddens me. I learned through my daughter how beautiful love is. It’s pure, warm and stronger than the earth. It’s so wonderful it can almost hurt. I’ve learned a special type of love through a little boy whom will hopefully one day be my step son. I met him when he was two and have never been under any obligation to love him. Yet in just under a year I’ve learned to love him as my own. I worry about him in the same ways I worry about my daughter, all without having the extra stretch marks.

Let’s not forget the variation of love for your partner in life. I met my counter-part under funny circumstances. I didn’t expect to fall madly in love because at that point in my life I was skeptical of the romance business. Who really ever finds the love of their life? However after our first meeting something just felt right. It was almost as if it was my turn to star in one of those love stories full of gushy love stuff. I’ve found what it feels like to be appreciated. To look him in the eye with love and see it reflected right back. I wake up everyday happier than the one before because he loves me. With a wonderful family, a gorgeous set of amazing kids, and a handsome man in my life, I have all that I need. With their love I can survive anything that life throws at me. Money or love? I choose love. Just don’t make me choose.


BTW, I said love 16 times if you were wondering.

Keep Portland Weird?

I’ve seen the bumper stickers “Keep Portland Weird”. It’s apparently common knowledge that Portland has its odd entities. Now that I work downtown I see them everyday and I just want to share some of my experiences.
I’ve been asked by a man on the street if I happened to have a crack pipe. I’ve been stopped by an old woman I’ve never seen before who said “Excuse me, I can feel you and… (sigh) you really shouldn’t be having sex. Sex without marriage is wrong.” I’ve sat too close to some teenage girls at McDonald’s who stopped a random boy their age to say “Hey I know I don’t know you but, do you by any chance have any shrooms or acid?” The strange man who had walked in moments before that and asked to borrow their cell phone had the mind to tell her to quiet down when asking things like that. Then he continued his conversation with someone he called on her cell phone about how he needed to be picked up and that he just got out of a six month jail sentence.
Then there’s the fun ones… the woman who carried her house cat in her t-shirt on a cold day, the guy dressed in full pirate gear, the woman who grabbed a strange man by his balls on the train and tried to twist them just because he bumped into her. Who could forget the guy with a lasso practicing his moves in Pioneer Square? He can whip his rope around and jump in and out of it without messing up!
The most entertaining so far was the guy who decided to mime in Pioneer Square today.  He bumped into invisible things, pulled an invisible rope, talked to people I couldn’t see, walked like a dinosaur, and much more. To top his act he did a cartwheel into a one handed push-up using only his thumb and pointer finger. With the sun shining on the whole square he had plenty of people sitting around on lunch watching his show. Someone sitting near me said, “gotta love Portland”. I have to admit it, I kind of do.